


les huitres

by Anonymous



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 15:37:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "Jianyu is a Buddhist monk," said Nina.   "He's taken a vow of silence.   Hasn't spoken a word since he was eight, isn't that right, Jianyu?"Jianyu nodded.  Eleanor thought that Nina had maybe been saying that a little too meaningfully, but she sort of felt like everyone was saying everything too meaningfully, as if to say, this person is a good person and that person is a good person and we're all good people, much better than recreational liar and opportunistic thief Eleanor Shellstrop.  They were all such good people.  The real Eleanor probably was too.The real Eleanor could go fork herself.





	les huitres

 

Heaven was apparently real fond of modern architecture that looked like someone's dumb kid drew it, because the welcome party was in this weird bleak house with a bunch of primary colors and portal windows. 

On the other hand the house was, like, twenty times bigger than Eleanor's and there were no clowns. 

She was maybe a little jealous. She was also super drunk. 

"And this," said Nina, who had been a marriage counselor who had saved a ton of marriages and made a bunch of people ridiculously happy, and kept rubbing it in like Eleanor cared or something, "is Jianyu."

Jianyu was about Eleanor's age and wearing a dress. It was peachy pink and shiny and nicer than hers, darn it. He stared at her, wide-eyed for a second, and then bowed. 

"Namaste," she told him. "I'd bow back, but, you know, champagne."

"Jianyu is a Buddhist monk," said Nina. "He's taken a vow of silence. Hasn't spoken a word since he was eight, isn't that right, Jianyu?"

Jianyu nodded. Eleanor thought that Nina had maybe been saying that a little too meaningfully, but she sort of felt like everyone was saying everything too meaningfully, as if to say, this person is a good person and that person is a good person and we're all good people, much better than recreational liar and opportunistic thief Eleanor Shellstrop. They were all such good people. The real Eleanor probably was too. 

The real Eleanor could go fork herself.

Eleanor hiccuped. "Thanks, Nina. I can tell him all about my human abuse rights record myself."

"I'm sure you can," she said, and moved off. Eleanor made a face at her back, and then remembered Jianyu. 

"You're not gonna tell anyone," she said, and drank most of her champagne before it could spill. "You took a vow of silence."

"Eleanor " said Jianyu, and she nearly shrieked and dropped her glass. 

"Eleanor," said Jianyu again , "Eleanor, you have to listen to me."

She blinked. "I know I've been drinking, like, a lot," she said, "but you are talking to me, right? Despite the whole vow of silence thing?" And he knew her name. She cast back trying to remember if Nina had mentioned her name but she was pretty sure she hadn't. 

He nodded. "I didn't really take a vow of silence. That was a Tibetan monk. I'm actually from Florida."

"Okay," she said, "how did anyone from Florida get into The Good Place?"

"That's just it," he said. "It's not a good place. It's a bad place, filled with bad people. Evil Dad brought us here to torture ourselves and one another and I have to pretend to be this dead monk guy because if I don't they'll send me to the part of the bad place where they use fire and knives and screwdrivers and the clothes rack. And I don't know how you torture people with drinks, but I hate doing laundry."

Eleanor looked at him. On the one hand, he might be on to something, because having to pretend to be Saint Eleanor was no fun at all. 

On the other hand, she'd known him for all of ninety seconds and already she could tell he was dumb as a rock. "This doesn't feel like torture to me," she said, drinking the rest of her champagne. Sure, she wanted to barf because of all the goody two shoes in the room, but that was how she felt about Salvation Army Santas. And sure, her house had a bunch of creepy clown paintings in it, and her hot mailman soulmate was gay, but she didn't have to have a job and they were going to learn flying and everyone got free frozen yogurt and mediocre pizza for life--well, afterlife--without getting fat. 

"That's because it hasn't gotten started yet," said Jianyu. "Stuff will go wrong and Evil Dad will make us all start yelling at one another like we're at a four-way stop in Neptune Beach and nobody has car insurance. It's like they say, hell is oyster people."

She knew that wasn't the exact quote--she'd heard of Sartre from... drunk college parties? One of those tech nerds she once worked with? She shook her head--and considering what her life had been like pre-emancipation she thought it sounded about right. Hell, The Bad Place for her parents could just be the two of them locked in a room with no booze or drugs for all eternity. 

"I mean, technically, there aren't any oysters here, Jason," she said. "Just shrimp."

He blinked at her. "There's shrimp?"

"Uh." Eleanor needed an emergency. Normally at the parties she went to someone would be puking right now or betting on who could get punched in the face the most before collapsing or screaming at Eleanor for sleeping with her husband in her kid's bed, but these people were so well-behaved, such awful horrible terrible sickening saints, that no one was. The loudest noises were champagne bottles popping and jovial laughter. 

_Ugh_ , she thought, scanning the room. There had to be some--

There was a trill of laughter that tugged at Eleanor somewhere below her navel. She knew that laugh, which was ridiculous, because no one she knew would get into heaven. Her eyes settled on this gorgeous giraffe of a woman in a dress that was probably worth a whole lot more than she'd earned in a year, or ten, and elbow-length gloves, and, what was craziest, when she saw Eleanor she seemed to recognize her too--and didn't look at all like she regretted it.

Eleanor swallowed, hard. "Okay," she said, and reached out to Jianyu, patted him on the bicep. "That's nice, hottie, but I think I need to have a little chat with hottest right now. Hold my bra shrimp."

"Cool," said Jianyu. "Shrimp!"

Eleanor figured if things didn't pan out with hot mystery lady she could always come back to him. He probably didn't realize she'd blown him off, and if he did, he certainly wouldn't remember it.

**Author's Note:**

> Because I'm never going to get around to writing a full-lengthed fic where only Jason remembers what happened in season one before the show comes back.


End file.
